We're embracing equality on a whole 'nother level
Introducing the HELL Slash & Dash. This device will challenge the status quo and provide every Kiwi with the right to pee conveniently and in any situation.
Use code IPFREELY and get a pair of Slash & Dash for free* when you order a Double Pizza.
Or, if you're more of a pasta, salad & dessert kinda mortal, buy a 2 pack for $5 instead.
*T&Cs apply. One code per order. A pack free per order (not per pizza). Valid from 20th January 2023 until stocks last.
How To Gain Freedom You’ve Never Known
Firstly, let's not forget the all-important manspread! Position your feet approx. 1m apart, and as an act of proud defiance, squeeze your buttocks and thrust that pelvis forward... You've never been more ready!
Enclose your coochie from gooch to peehole within the Slash & Dash. But don't get caught with your knickers down! There's no need to bare all your assets because now you can finally pee with your clothes on; just make some room down there to avoid spillages, alright?
Use the spout to aim your stream behind rocks, bushes, trees, down alleyways, into the wind; you name it!
If you experience stage fright, just take a deep breath and think of running water.
Relax and release while thinking thoughts of power, liberation and total world domination. Don't forget that smug smile as you do your business...finish with a slight nod of self-approval as the end of your stream nears.
When finished, pull the funnel forwards to wipe and catch any drips. And finally, let's break convention by washing your hands.
Disclaimer: This device is unsuitable for number twos.
Top tips
If you piss like a racehorse, you'll need to control your stream — don’t open the floodgates! No one likes splashback.
Never do
In a multi-urinal scenario, always try to leave a 1-urinal gap between you and others, and under no circumstances make eye contact with another mortal (though the occasional joke is okay).